At
first glance there is a look of confusion on her face. Does she believe herself
to be what's been embedded in her mind by others or does she believe
what's in her heart and souls, that she’s more than what others say she is?
As I sat down at my laptop to write about my childhood, I couldn't believe how many things came into my memory. It was overwhelming! It was like looking in a mirror and seeing at first glance, my rosy cheeks and the glistening highlights in my hair and then all of sudden focusing on the blemishes and split ends. Among all of the good in my life, the pain, mistakes, and trauma were becoming noticeable more visible. In other words, I was seeing the good, but honing in on all of the bad. I was bringing to the surface of my reflection some really raw emotions and they were staring right back at me. I didn't like the memories.
Being the youngest in my family, I felt constantly belittled and teased by my older siblings. I didn't realize it at the time. I just buried them deep, but slowly their words began to hurt me to the very core. Over the years, I allowed each word to shape and mold my worth. I don't even think they realize how much their words and actions affected me. I've only talked with one of my siblings about this and by sharing the image of my childhood with her; I felt the broken pieces of my past begin to heal. I know she felt her own healing as well.
I admit, I had my fair share of counter attacks on my siblings. I am not little miss innocent. I know my words and actions were not always bright as the sunshine. I know there is forgiveness and healing that needs to take place at some point, but for now I need to sift through the pile of damaging words and trying to replace them with healing words.
Journal Excerpt --{April 25th 2013}
I discovered that I unknowingly passed the phrase, "I am so dumb" on to my daughter. Yesterday, I heard her echo those same words, "I am so dumb" as she fumbled through a math assignment. I know I have mumble those words under my breath a hundred times when I couldn't figure something out. Now she instinctively believes every time she can't figure something out that she is dumb.
Gratefully a friend of mine had shared with me a similar experience she had with her daughter saying those same words. It was a tender mercy, because my healing words were found within.
Her response to her daughter's phrase "I am so dumb" was, “You're awesome. You're the best. You're so smart, and I love you. I made you and I would never make anything dumb."
I tried to share with my daughter a similar response, but it happened during a rushed moment of the day and it was made more in passing than a moment of teaching. I am not sure she really took it in and owned it. I wasn't even sure I did.
After all, I had belittled myself for year, believing in words that are lies. Lies told to my siblings by Satan. Lies he knew I'd believe, such as: "You are dumb!"..."You're a nerd!"..."You're ugly!"...Etc. All LIES!!
As I thought of my friends’ phrase, "I made you and I would never make anything dumb," I imagined God saying those very same words to me. As I pondered that phrase over and over, the truth of who I am began to unfold...
I am not what others say I am. I am not those words from long ago. I am more than what I believe I am. I am a beautiful, strong, courageous, virtuous, compassionate, kind, talented, and full of determination and fire. I am a daughter of God. I am His sacred creation.
Today he stretched forth His hands and held His creation. He lovingly took my face in His hands and looked me in the eyes and spoke the truth...'I made you and I would never make anything dumb.'
I knew this truth needed to be shared with my daughter. It needed to be a quiet moment free of distraction and chaos, but I didn't know how or when I would have another opportunity to teach her.
The next day, the moment presented itself. My daughter was practicing piano before school and had in her mind that she needed to perfect a piece before going on to the next. She struggled and failed over and over. She played the song for 20 minutes. At times she would get it right, minus a few notes and I would praise her, but to her it was not good enough.
Each time she hit a wrong note she would start over and grunt angrily. I walked behind her and watched as she made mistake after mistake. Her body would tense up and her head would hang low right above the black and ivory keys. She felt defeated. I know the stance, because I have been in that same position many times in my life. It's the "I am dumb"..."I will never get this right"..."I can't do this" position.
I started in with my advice column telling her to "keeping practice, you'll get it"..."No stress"..."Just relax and play each section over and over until you get it right, then move on to the next section."
No response...just tears and anger.
I touched her back and she angrily pushed me away. I then got mad at her for throwing an attitude. I started in with the threats to ground her if she didn't change her behavior. We were both going nowhere and both feeling defeated.
I told her to take a break and come eat her breakfast. She ate in an angry, animal-like frenzy. I yelled again, telling her to stop the attitude. She then curled herself up in a ball on the dining room chair and broke down in tears.
My heart softened. I was prompted by the spirit, "Just hold her."
I sat on the chair next to her, wrapped my arms around her and pulled her unto my lap. I just held her tight and the healing words came...
"You are wonderfully and beautifully made. God held you in his arms and said, 'This one is special and precious.' He then blessed you with amazing talents and abilities that he knew you would use to uplift and bless others. He sent you here to earth to learn and develop those talents and abilities.
Sometimes you mess up. You are not perfect. You don't have to be perfect. None of us are perfect. That is why we practice the things we are weak at and one day we will perfect at them.
God has blessed you with a talent in soccer. Do you have to practice soccer? Of course, you do. If you don't practice then you don't get better at it. Likewise, if you don't practice the piano, you won't get better. Same goes for learning the gospel, if you don't practice reading the scriptures and keeping covenants, then you won't progress and be happy.
Sometimes it hard to practice It takes time and patience, but you can't rush it! You need to make it a process and learn as you go. It's okay if it takes days, weeks, and months to learn something. God and Jesus Christ are there to help you along the way. They know everything about you, because they made you. Just ask them in prayer when you need help.
Sometimes you think you are dumb, but God never made anything dumb. There may be times when you think you are ugly, but God never made anything ugly either. Satan wants you to believe those negative things about yourself, but they are not true. Don't believe him! YOU ARE MORE than what you think you are. Remember you are beautifully and wonderfully made by Heavenly hands. I love you and I am so grateful for you."
I gave her a big hug and kissed her head. She turned around and kissed me back. Then with big smiles, bounded off my lap and got ready for school. In that moment I learned that my daughter is just like me. We are twin sisters in spirit.
Before she was even born, I was told in a Priesthood blessing that we'd have a special bond in this life and for the first time, I am seeing it.
As I watched my daughter struggle today, I saw myself in her. She, like me is beautiful, strong, courageous, virtuous, compassionate, kind, talented, and full of determination and fire. Both of us easily prone to believe we are what others say we are...both pessimists; having a weakness for negative thoughts, but today we pushed out the lies and heard the healing words of truth spoken by our loving Heavenly Father..."I made you and I would never make anything dumb."
You Are More
(Then Avenue North)
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
