Today began with trust and faith in the unknown. "Whatever your will is I will trust," I firmly prayed.
Two paths were laid out before me. Both vague, but marked with trial and blessings. Then later in the day a path was inevitably chosen for me. I thought for a second to give a sigh of relief, but instead it turned into uncontrolled sobbing and grief.
Oh how I had been here before...several times. I thought I was strong enough to not give in to sorrow to just let go and let God. At least I had told myself that before. How easy it is to beat myself up for not being strong, but I decided to once again visit the pain. I gave myself permission to cry...to feel...to be normal and human.
A loss of hope calls for a moment of tears. I just couldn't give in to what lay beyond that...no depression here, just feel what you need to and move on. It's okay to not understand fully. There is more patience to bear.
I climbed into my bed. Tears gradually watering my pillow...no doubt counted by angels. Pleading prayers for strength were uttered. A moment of silence, then the sobbing came. I lay there staring blankly at the window wanting to question and complain. I held it back.
Music came into my mind to calm the storm brewing within my heart and soul. I sang loudly...sobbing and choking on my words, but I didn't care. I was alone or was I?
Scriptures followed. Memorized scriptures... like old friends embracing me. They flowed effortlessly through my lips...John 14:27, " Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you. Not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid."
2 Timothy 1:7, " God hath not given me the Spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
"Philippians 4:13," I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Peace enveloped me.
I wanted to ask questions, as I was so used to doing or try to convince God he had made a mistake, but I didn't. I simply let go of my will and asked," What is your will for me?"
The scriprure 1 Nephi 3:7 came to me. "...I will go and do thing the Lord hath commanded me, for I know the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."
I trusted the Lord to show me his will and I arose from my bed confident he would.
My eyes were drawn to the message light flashing on my phone.
The missionaries from my church had left me a message exactly during the time of my grief. They were inviting me to go visit someone who was searching for a church.The answer was very clear. Forget yourself, go forth, and serve.
I prayed in gratitude and trust that God had a work for me to do. It was a short visit, but worth it. The man was obviously confused and searching for direction in his life. I was only able to share a few words of testimony, but I felt peace. I don't know which path this man will choose, but I do know for certain that God needed me to shine a light on his dark world.
Later this evening I had the privilege of serving dinner and playing games with a few homeless families at the local Presbyterian church as part if a youth activity. I decided to bring cupcakes for dessert. The children there were all smiles. It was a joyful evening. My grief was swallowed up in service yet again.
I am so grateful for the knowledge I have that the Lord is aware of me and loves me. He knows just what I need and sends me answers to my prayers, not always how or when I expect him to, but he does send the answers. I will gladly go and do as he his will, if it means I can brighten someone's day and forget my own problems.
