Surrendering Brings Needed Answers and Change
{February 2013}
A friend of mine had announced the birth of her baby on Facebook. I love seeing such announcements and congratulatory comments. Except this one day, I was not in a place to find such an announcement very exciting!
I took one look at her beautiful little bundle of joy, and started crying. I left a simple comment of "Congratulations" and quickly exited out of Facebook. A sudden wave of emotions distilled upon me. I escaped to the shower, thinking I'd feel better if I got ready for the day, except the complete opposite happened. I entered the shower and became even more distraught.
As I looked down at my abdomen full of scars, a painful memory of the loss of life I twice carried inside me invaded my mind. I remembered those moment very vividly as if I were watching them on a movie screen. Both difficult times when I was tested to the very core of my soul; times of great confusion and doubt.
Suddenly, I felt faint, and crumpled on the bathtub floor; the now lukewarm water pouring upon me, intermixing with streams of tears. I felt cheated, old, and shriveled up inside. I ached and longed to be like my friend; rejoicing over a new life and the cherished memories that would soon follow. Darkness and despair began to infiltrate my mind and heart. My only solace was found on my knees, in prayer.
I surrendered my pain and longing to God. Then listened intently for an answer or feeling of peace.
A simple, yet unexpected answer came..."go for a walk."
I obeyed. I didn't question it. I arose from my knees, turned off the shower and got dried off.
Once again, I looked in the mirror and stared at my scarred body. Instead of wallowing in self-pity; I focused on the answer... "go for a walk."
I got dressed and took my guardian angel of a dog on the walk with me. There was a crisp chill in the air, but it was refreshing. I inhaled and exhaled deeply with each step. My mind focusing on trusting God and surrendering to His will for me. Questions I asked myself at this time were... "Why does this still hurt?" Why do I fight against change?" "Why do I still try to control my life?""How do I let go of lost dreams?"
The walk gave me clear answers. I discovered that I needed to let go of my way, what I thought was best for me and my family, and allow God to show me a better way. I learned that I needed to trust in his ability to fix my broken heart and spirit...to heal me. I clearly remembered moments where I felt He was already at work and yet my stubbornness and impatience kept hindering the process.
When I returned home, I remembered a quote I had read recently which is from the book "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis...
"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right, and stopping the leaks in the roof, and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably, and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to?
"The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of– throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”
I have been too use to being an old broken down house and can't visualize anything better than what is right in front of me. God doesn't want that for me. He knows I have the potential to be so much more. He sent His son to fix all that is broken. Through the enabling power of the atonement, Christ is able to clear out the junk,
tear walls down, fix busted pipes, rebuild, and add on. Although it is a painful and difficult process, if I allow Him to do his
handiwork; the visible scars I see in the mirror each day and feel within will no longer be a reminder of pain and loss, but of faithfully enduring and overcoming weaknesses.
I heard a song on the radio
that fits perfectly with this post...a definite tender mercy!
Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)" By Sanctus Real
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender
[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluated who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...
[Chorus]
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
