Gratitude Day 38: Surrendering {Part 2}

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I realize what I am sharing here is bold and brave. It's not easy to bear one's soul to the world, but nowadays with all of the challenges ever before us, boldness and bravery are needed. 
How else will we find healing from the trials in our lives, 
if we don't share our experiences of healing?
Today, I am tossing vulnerability out the window and choosing to be real. I am surrendering to the Lord's will in this post and proclaiming the words,

" I can relate. I'm here for you. You are not alone."

My husband took me snow skiing once. I hated it! I felt out of control. Just me, a small boy, and an older man were in the beginner class. I seriously panicked! The only thing that got me down the Bunny Hill was prayers and the word pizza; supposedly a term for the position your skis should be in, when wanting to slow down. Even with prayers and pizza on my mind, I still felt out of control. Same reason why I don't go on roller coasters or seek out thrill rides; I have no control.

Whether it's my surroundings, my body, other people in my life, or God's timing, I want control. I've told myself so many times, "Having control, keeps me safe and others around me safe!" It's always been a form of protection; my way of coping with unwanted emotions during challenging times.

Well, when life decided to throw at me a series of consecutive challenges, I broke down and lost all control. I felt an array of emotions, but mostly I felt like a complete failure. Depression quietly slipped in. It was like I was slowly falling into a dark pit and the light was growing ever so dim. My spirit was broken and my body was beginning to feel the effects. I was unable to handle the smallest of tasks. I am not proud to admit this, but my children ate a lot of cold cereal, watched hours of TV, and my marriage suffered. My life was unmanageable and I simply gave up on living. Food, drink, and sleep, were almost non-existent. An addict would say I had truly hit "rock bottom."

I needed help, so I mustered up the courage to talk with my Bishop. I felt bad for him, because I just let it all out, relaying all of my brokenness. He was attentive, kind, and encouraging. We both cried! I told him I needed to be able to talk to someone and find healing. He recommended I see a counselor and attend the LDS 12 Steps Addiction Recovery meetings. I was scared to go, because I was embarrassed at my state of instability. I pride myself in letting on that I have everything together in my life, so seeing a counselor and attending a meeting for addicts was like opening the door to judgement and feelings of shame. Moving away looked far more desirable. Although deep down, I knew that wouldn't solve anything. I had to finally decide, do I want to get better or do I care what other people think or say about me? I chose to get better and it has been the biggest blessing in my life.

I saw a counselor for about 4 months and she was absolutely heaven sent. She showed genuine care and concern for my well-being. At each visit, she let me talk about whatever I wanted to talk about. There was no judgement or criticism, only acceptance, praise, and encouragement. She saw the good in me that I had forgotten about and instilled within me a desire to seek out my true worth. She helped me safely sift through all of my past and finally let go of mistakes and things I had no control of. Many times we both just sat in awe over the inspiration and direction that came.

My first thought when hearing the words '12 Steps Addiction Recovery meeting' was "drug addicts and alcoholics, not me!" Although, my view completely changed when I walked through the door of my first recovery meeting. The atmosphere was warm and inviting. The missionaries in charge welcomed me with smiles and hugs. Those in attendance were immediately accepting of me and I felt a lot of love, respect, and peace there. It became a holy place for me each week; a time of contemplation and reflection on my path in life. There intermixed with imperfect people, I felt at home. I was not judged by anyone nor felt the need to judge anyone there. I was free to be vulnerable... the real me, nothing held back. Nobody has to share why they are there. It doesn't matter! What matters is they were brave enough to get help and find healing for whatever was amiss in their lives. Many testimonies of those in attendance have strengthened and uplifted me way more than any testimony meeting at church. I can't find the right words to explain it, except to say, "It was heaven on earth!"

As the weeks went by, I allowed step after step to take hold of me and soon noticed changes taking place within. I felt pure joy for the first time in years. My level of spirituality grew in leaps and bounds. I started seeing the hands of the Lord working in my life everyday. I found myself longing for my friends and family to attend recovery meetings; to partake of the incredible joy I was feeling and be a witness to the power of the atonement working miracles in their own lives.

One day after months of recovery work, I received a phone call from a family member who was struggling. My heart and soul could not contain the indescribable joy I was feeling at that time. I was bursting to share my journey with this person. I let go of fear and just opened up and it just happened to be what this person needed to hear. We both found so much peace and healing as we talked. If I hadn't been at the place that I was in my recovery, I wouldn't have been able to help this family member. I am grateful the Lord helped me out of my dark pit long ago and changed my heart, so I could be a source of light for a loved one in darkness.

Today, I am looking back on all I have been through, not with sadness, but with joy. I never ever thought I'd be one to have to admit my life was unmanageable, but I am so glad I did. That first step into my Bishops' office set me on a path of healing and surrender that continues to this day. Healing never ends. There are always challenges in front of me, except now I have all of the tools I need to endure those challenges on my path. Tools that I never would have known about had I not reached out for help and surrendered my life to the Lord.

Letting go of control has opened the windows of heaven and the tender mercies of the Lord have been overflowing in great abundance. My life has more meaning and purpose than ever before. I am finding gratitude in everything each day, especially my weaknesses. I glory in them, because I know through Christ my weaknesses can become strengths.  Am I perfect? Of course not, but I am changing through someone who is and I know he will not fail me. He is always there for me. He doesn't want me to wait until I am perfect to come to Him, he wants me to come as I am, with all of my weaknesses and pains. He knows and understands me, because he atoned for me.

"He shall go forth, suffering pains and affliction and temptations of every kind; and this is that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and sicknesses of his people.

"And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowel may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:11-12; emphasis added).

An Apostle, David A. Bednar said,

"The Savior has suffered not just for our iniquities but also for the inequality, the unfairness, the pain, the anguish, and the emotional distresses that so frequently beset us. There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, “No one understands. No one knows.” No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch, succor—literally run to us—and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying upon only our own power."                               

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

“For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30).

 (The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality," Ensign April 2012)

Please take to heart what I have shared here. If you feel something in your life is causing chaos and you are powerless to overcome it, then pray to know who you can reach out to and if the 12 steps are right for you. If you are apprehensive, then come talk with me. I'd be happy to share more about my experience and would be willing to go with you to a meeting if you'd like.

Remember you are not alone!